Knights of Honour 2 - Genoan Trade Empire

[thecommandtent]

This is not your first campaign, right?

No this is my first and only one

Straight in as Genoa

Do you play out battles in RTS mode or is there an auto resolve?

[Undercovergeek]

When your forces meet in siege or in the open you’re given a choice to ‘go all in/counter attack’ which means you let the game do its thing or you can ‘take control’

I’m honestly not interested at all in the battle side of things I’m probably missing out and missing the nuance of been able to outwit a stronger force - to counter this I’ve always made sure I’ve outnumbered the enemy at least 2-1 and never lost a battle using a mix of 4 spearmen, 2 infantry and 2 archers with the leader having extra supplies and battering rams or catapults and upgrading those to heavy and elite when possible

Whenever it has looked like I’ll be evens or outnumbered you can quickly hire a martial or use a knight with I think it’s either leadership or infantry tactics and raise another army - just pick your enemies well - until the end of this game I never had more than 2 armies of roughly 4500 each and then hired an extra one for the last section but at one point Hungary and Croatia were roaming the land with 7 stacks

[Undercovergeek]

'Our path to true enlightenment is faltering sire, we need marble to create works of art and resources are scarce around the known world..... there are a few cities with it but they refuse to trade with us'

'Send out our merchants and spies Alfonso, if we cant trade for it, we will take it for ourselves'



'POPE DAVE!!!!!!!!'



'Our journey to greatness, and the 'Claim Victory' button continues my Lord'



'Your sister has become Queen of Sicily sire, if this were Crusader Kings 3 we could arrange for the husband to be stabbed in the face, claim the throne and all go home for tea and buns'



'Importing saltpeter from Germany has gained us more advantages and fewer steps to glory sire'



'My Lord, it is official, your dancing was so shit this year that the Fatimids, Seljuks, Cumania and Kyiv have declared war - 40% of the arab world and god knows why the Ukranians are upset - excellent'

'I wont press that button again, honest Alfonso'



'Our first task is to free our merchant Alfonso, pay the ransom and bring him home'



'The delegation from Kyiv accepts a white peace sire, i dont think they really knew why they were here or that we were at war, and someone threw the Seljuk leader in prison so he's all peaced out as well'

'Just the Cumanis and the Fatimids left then Alfonso'

'indeed sire'



'Is it true that our nation requires errrr sausage before we can take more steps on the golden path Alfonso?'

'It is my lord, sausage, marble, sculptures, a number of things'

'Is that Fatimid held city down there famous for making sausages'

'Let me just check here........ yes, yes they make marvellous sausage and are indeed owned by the Fatimids'

'Say it with me Alfonso'

'UNLEASH THE DAVES'



'3480 Fatimids arent happy about that sire, plus 3000 in the garrison and more on boats heading this way'

[Gusington]

Fatimid sausage is delicious and well worth fighting for.

[Undercovergeek]

Exactly!!

[thecommandtent]

The Daves!!

[Undercovergeek]

The Daves!!

Fine heroes of the Genoan kingdom

[Gusington]

'Geek I hope at some point you consider writing something more, you've got chops and there's gaping holes in the historical comedy book market.

[Undercovergeek]

It’s worth a thought

I’ve always thought about writing - my only issue is I’m woefully short of creativity - I need something or someone to provide the inspiration - as I kid I was a great drawer/sketcher and won loads of competitions but only copying someone else’s work

Whereas game wise it would be crusader kings or KoH that provide the story for me to basically take the piss out of

To just sit and write a story - I dunno

[Undercovergeek]

'......and then kids Me and Uncle Dave looked out over the battlements and saw the advancing Fatamid hoard and we started to think this was all going to go reallllly bad, and then........'

'Tell us dad, tell us, daaaaaaaaad!!!!!!!'

'Just as the enemy were closing on us a great big army of rebels and Byzantines came out of the hills and kicked their asses back into the sea'

'Hoooorrraaaaaayyyyyyy'

'And me and uncle dave ate sausage alllllll night long'

'Errrrr.........'



'A small rebel army loyal to us has formed in Toulouse sire, they will attack the castle and claim victory in our name'

'Will they though?'

'Nah, they're rubbish, they'll all be dead by morning but at least it shows the region is loyal to us and we dont need Pope Dave to go and calm them down when we finally take it'



'Blimey'

'Blimey indeed Alfonso'



'Shall we........cough, puhhhhhhhhh'

'Jesus, there must be a better way of doing this! Next!'

'Consul Leone - he of the kick ass merchant skills but not so good fighting skills'



'Hmmm it seems matters of state distracted me sire, youre knocking on a bit thanks to your legendary dad and we havent got you a wife.......... wait........... i found one in Meissen'

'Is she angelic, fit for a King of Genoa Alfonso?'

'Hell no, shes all that was going for an old ball bag like you, get busy between the sheets you havent long left'



'There, three kids in quick succession, the throne is safe Alfonso'

'You did well my liege, you only need to stay alive long enough for them to grow into adulthood'



'You know, with Germany out of the way a lot of small independent nations have popped up on our borders, take Bern for instance - they hold Marseilles and Toulouse and if we take those two provinces we own the Mediterranean Sea from Spain to the Adriatic'

'The Daves?'

'The Daves'



'Who are the cruellest, badass, most evil, impale you alive and press you down on the stick, monsters alive Alfonso?'

'The Croatians sire' - makes sign of the cross and spits on the floor

'Arse'



'We made it Alfonso, my name will live long........ cough, wheeze, plop'

'I told you you were old you miserable old fart, we should have called you Bob........ f**cks sake, NEXXXXT!!.........

........WTF are you?'

'Luigi, his brother, badass warrior, but also a bit old'



'You're ancient already!!!! Don't you die while i'm looking for a wife..............'

'Hurry up'

'Here we go, Castillian Princess, they're not happy but she'll do'

'Is she.....'

'NO!'

[bob48]

Love reading this stuff - very entertaining!

[Undercovergeek]

Thanks Bob 

[Martok]

"We should have called you Bob."   


Holy crap, this is just too good!   

[thecommandtent]

Really enjoying reading these after work at night!

[Undercovergeek]

'Pope Dave is no longer my Lord, his legacy is unmatched, his story will live long'

'We have a cleric vacancy?'

'We do, Father Dave will be joining us shortly'



'Our kingdoms advances since we began the project sire, displayed in little pictures our artists have worked on all night - we are short only lime deposits, war horses, fine artists explorers and noblemen'



'How do we acquire these Alfonso?'

'Theyre curiously all connected my Lord, with lime deposits and stone comes sculptures, allowing us to build great halls attracting nobles and artists, the war horses we already have in Venice'

'Are there lands out there with stone and lime willing to trade?'

'Not willing my Lord, Aquitaine and Toulouse are allied together and between them they have the resources?'

'Their unity is strong, if only we could muster......'



'Castille asks us join their war against Aquitaine and Toulouse? Are you shitting me Alfonso?'

'I am not my Lord - the Daves have been summoned'

'Dont get too cocky Alfonso, thats my line'



'Aquitaine is conquered my Lord, the lime deposits are ours and miners are already on their way to the quarries, the population was already loyal to us - there is no need for Father Dave. However they sued for peace before we could reach Toulouse and Poitiers - the Spanish accepted the surrender and the war is done - but Toulouse stands alone'



'Our work here is almost....cough.....splutter.....'

'Dont you fu***ng die - theres no children in the bloodline!!'

'......gargle'

'Shit'

(At this point I genuinely thought the game would be over - the royal line from the start of the game to now has been broken, and without some fancy CK family tree tracker I thought, with maybe 2 buildings left to build to victory, the game would say HA HA no children!!!')

A door slowly squeaks open

'WTF are you now?' (I see Alfonso now as a medieval Samuel L Jackson)

'Ruggiero'

'Ruggi-who?'

'I am senior merchant to the Shaddadids in the East, importing crucial resources for our King, errrrrr me'



'Take a seat my Lord, this is Dave, Dave, Father Dave, and some minor Daves that govern our lands - Ive found you a Franconian bride, yes, of great beauty and fit for a....... Genoan King. May she bear you many, many children and may the lord protect us from this utter embarassment ever happening again'



Cardinal Dave!!!!



'DONT PRESS THAT BUTTON!!!!!'

'it wasnt me Alfonso!'

'i hope you can f**king dance'