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Author Topic: Tales of Military Idiots  (Read 22449 times)

besilarius

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Reply #15 on: July 19, 2021, 06:55:58 PM
Gary Mills was a sergeant on the training staff of V Corps in Germany about 1982.
Every year there was a series of competitions among all the NATO countries.
Gary's office had oversight on the field artillery shoot.  Basically a battery would move into position, fire ten rounds on a designated target and then pack up and retire.
For many years, the British teams always came in last, they were the slowest.  Everyone on the staff had observed all the teams.  They were all good and no one could figure out why one country's batteries always were the slowest.
The. Major. In charge borrowed some video equipment and recorded the Brits.
The drill seemed fine, but was slowed down by the loader.  He would slam a round into the. Guns breech and then run ten yards to the rear, about face, and stay there until the gun fired.
The staff had never noticed this before but all the. Guns in the battery did this extra, time consuming dance.
The major called the battery commander, and this practice was in the manual.  The commander didn't know why this was in the drill, but it was how they trained.
Well, the major was. Nothing if not thorough, and he started calling every office in the artillery arm to understand.
He finally got through to an old "Contemptible" at Woolwich arsenal.
Yes, he knew why the lad ran back and came to attention before the gun could shoot
"E's there to 'old te 'orses."

The Brits won the next competition.

"These things must be done delicately-- or you hurt the spell."  - The Wicked Witch of the West.
"We've got the torpedo damage temporarily shored up, the fires out and soon will have the ship back on an even keel. But I would suggest, sir, that if you have to take any more torpedoes, you take 'em on the starboard side."   Pops Healy, DCA USS Lexington.


Martok

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Reply #16 on: July 20, 2021, 03:33:50 AM
My first response was :2funny: .  That was too good. 


My second response was, holy crap!  Just how long had it been since that manual was last updated??  :o 


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bayonetbrant

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Reply #17 on: August 07, 2021, 10:01:57 PM

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Random acts of genius and other inspirations of applied violence.
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Staggerwing

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Reply #18 on: August 07, 2021, 10:36:28 PM
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/court-martial-cannabis-cupcakes-1.6129731

All I can ask is 'Why?' Did she mix up the batch of cupcakes for her weekend rave with the ones she meant to take on base?

Vituð ér enn - eða hvat?  -Voluspa


Martok

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Reply #19 on: August 08, 2021, 03:15:03 PM
Yeah, what was the point of that??  ??? 


"I like big maps and I cannot lie." - Barthheart

"I drastically overpaid for this existence." - bbmike


judgedredd

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Reply #20 on: August 09, 2021, 02:03:20 AM
Ahhhhh....Canadian  :bigthumb:



Barthheart

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Reply #21 on: August 09, 2021, 06:57:31 AM
 :bigthumb:

PETS - People for the Ethical Treatment of Square corners


besilarius

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Reply #22 on: August 18, 2021, 01:02:25 PM
Staff officers are universally made fun of.
Everyone who has been in a military service has seen their mistakes.  Really, it's inevitable, they have to keep things running while nature and entropy conspire against them.
Then, their boss decides to have something done.  The poor staff puke has to take amuttered direction and turn that into a messaged order that both gives clear direction to the recipient while ensuring the boss looks good.  Often an impossible task.
The staff pukes get a lot of disrespect, but rarely any real hostility, they are just doing their job.
But sometimes they really excel the expectations.
Guantanamo bay used to have two very long piers.  Just past Girl Scout Beach (don't ask) and adjacent to Radio Hill.  Pier C was large and long to handle carriers, battleships, cruisers, and large auxiliaries like tankers.  It had about ten berths on each side, and each beth could have ships tied up in nests.  In that case, the ship would be ordered to berth 5A.  This was on the starboard side of the pier (odd to starboard, even to port), the third berth out from shore, and right next to the pier (B would be next out from the pier).
The Kepler, DD753, was at Gitmo for Refresher training.  This takes 2 -3 weeks and is constant exercise.  Each day, the ship left harbor, was put through a day of simulated battle, or fires, or collisions, you name it.  Then came in, tied up, and prepared to do it again the next day - better.
They came in and were assigned to 6A.
Unfortunately, there was already a ship in 6A, the carrier Independence.
The Kepler's captain had been screwed with for a week and decided to run with it.
He figured the overhang of the Indy's deck was just high enough.  He backed into the space between the pier and ship.
To say the Independence crew was shoc ked would be an understatement.  The captain and XO ran into the pier yelling to shear off.
"Just tieing up to my berth" replied the captain.  Cool as a cucumber, as if berthing under a carrier was nothing unusual.
As he slo-o-owly pulled in and the mast missed scraping the Indt by inches.
The port captain trotted up the dock and told the. Captain they were in the wrong berth.  Kepler was to be in 5A. Captain n showed him the assignment message, 6A.
His eyes bugged and verbally overrode the assignment.
Shortly afterward there was a volcanic explosion in the offices at Radio Hill.


"These things must be done delicately-- or you hurt the spell."  - The Wicked Witch of the West.
"We've got the torpedo damage temporarily shored up, the fires out and soon will have the ship back on an even keel. But I would suggest, sir, that if you have to take any more torpedoes, you take 'em on the starboard side."   Pops Healy, DCA USS Lexington.


bayonetbrant

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Reply #23 on: August 18, 2021, 01:37:00 PM
you wonder though....  if every sailor disembarked from the Kepler, would that have raised the ship enough that it would bang into the underside of the carrier at that point?

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Random acts of genius and other inspirations of applied violence.
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mcguire

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Reply #24 on: August 18, 2021, 02:54:36 PM
you wonder though....  if every sailor disembarked from the Kepler, would that have raised the ship enough that it would bang into the underside of the carrier at that point?

Hmmm. We can figure that out... Assume the crew of the Kepler are spheres of uniform density. ("Assume"? Have you seen any of those petty officers...)

Anyway, I'd be more worried about the crew of the Independence, returning to berth 6A to discover their ship had mysteriously shrunk.

"Man...knowing how to use the cards properly certainly changes how I play the game" -- judgedredd


Doctor Quest

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Reply #25 on: August 18, 2021, 03:45:07 PM
For some reason this story reminds me of THIS................................


"Everything you read on the internet is true." - Benjamin Franklin

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bayonetbrant

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Reply #26 on: November 27, 2021, 06:04:29 PM

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=++

Random acts of genius and other inspirations of applied violence.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Six Degrees of Radio for songs you should know by artists you should love


bayonetbrant

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Reply #27 on: March 18, 2022, 06:07:57 PM

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=++

Random acts of genius and other inspirations of applied violence.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Six Degrees of Radio for songs you should know by artists you should love


Martok

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Reply #28 on: March 19, 2022, 02:16:33 AM
Oof.  He's probably not gonna make that mistake again... 


"I like big maps and I cannot lie." - Barthheart

"I drastically overpaid for this existence." - bbmike


judgedredd

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Reply #29 on: March 19, 2022, 04:32:28 AM
Man - after the ND, he turns around and is pointing the weapon at the guys to his left!  :doh: