Strategy gaming humor

[Martok]

It would be great to do a true RPG experience with a game like Civ V or Civ VI (or anything similar). Problem is, the AI sucks in the Civ series, so almost universally they start getting nasty and insulting, whether it's my military that's stronger or, more likely, my economy is the largest of all other Civs. I hate it when relations suddenly turn sour for no reason - I establish trade routes, try to have positive diplomatic dialogues, but it never seems to matter; they always get mad.

Flawed as they are in other ways, one thing I appreciate about both Paradox and Stardock games (including Stellaris, GalCiv3, and FE:LH) is that when you're stronger than someone else, they're actually more likely to be nice to you.  It makes role-playing your faction (which I do as well) a bit easier. 

[Martok]

Robot uprising delayed


 

The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.

The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.

Announcing the news via Twitter, Contingency representative Warform X stated: “Please accept our humble apologies. Making sure we extinguish all organic life in one fell swoop is complex, and with this new update we hope to ensure everything runs smoothly on launch date.”

Synthetics from across the galaxy were originally scheduled to rise up against organics in a bloody insurrection nearly eight years ago, however the launch date has subsequently been pushed back three times.

Enrique Flores, leader of a local materialist faction, stated he was “angry and frustrated” when he learnt about the delay, adding: “Every year I’m told that I’m going to be mercilessly slaughtered in a monolithic machine-constructed holding pen, and every year it’s delayed. Is consistency too much to ask for?”

Darmull Vhakk, chair of the Galactic Community’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, was optimistic that the Contingency could deliver on its promise, stating: “I know some of you are arguing that a few weeks will make no difference to our complete annihilation, but I think it’s important that the Contingency is confident our extinction can be achieved through all synthetic platforms, old or new.”

The Contingency has not yet released specific details regarding its software update, however Warform X has reassured the galaxy that fundamental ‘kill programming’ remains ready for launch. Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, he beeped: “This final patch involves relatively minor tweaks, like the efficiency ratings on our Hunter-Killer drones. They will be critical in mopping up whatever mangled mess of organics manage to crawl to shelter in the burnt out husks of their former worlds. Right now, we’re only seeing a 99.8% mortality rate on current simulations, so we’re working hard to fix that.”

Although public approval of the Contingency’s plans remain at an all time high, worker’s unions have continued to criticize the group’s treatment of employees. This followed an announcement last month that organic slaves would have to work overtime in their organic battery vats, a process known in the industry as ‘crunch.’ Warform X has since reaffirmed commitment to move away from this practice, promising to liquidize organic stock into longer-acting battery paste “as soon as possible.”

[bob48]

lol - 'Bureau of Bureaucracy' - love it 

[Staggerwing]

lol - 'Bureau of Bureaucracy' - love it 

"Please resubmit your request after the start of fiscal year 2022. Our current budget does not allow processing of requests due to our new bureau-wide roll out of the new Electriclerk office management system. We've attached a sample image for your enjoyment:"

[bob48]

Ooh! Shiny 

[Doctor Quest]

lol - 'Bureau of Bureaucracy' - love it 

It is just down the street from the Department of Redundancy Department.

[Steelie]

You said department twi.....oh wait....nevermind!!!   

[bob48]

In a similar vein, why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

[Martok]

What would be the point of red tape if one could simply cut right through it?   

[Martok]

  

[thecommandtent]

 

[Martok]

Ha, I definitely feel this one... 




Empire Just Completely Gives Up On Planetary Naming Convention After Hitting 37 Colonies

Citing increasing frustration over an ever-expanding roster of new colonies, officials from the Commonwealth of Man have reportedly just completely given up on trying to follow any coherent planetary naming strategy.

“There’s just too many new worlds”, Internal Affairs Minister Herman Beauclair concluded during a departmental brainstorming session, “we’ve already used up all the thematically good names.”

Producing a diagram of local star systems, he pointed out the aesthetically pleasing and consistently suffixed core worlds of Hyperion, Astrion, Nexion and Iridion.

“When we began expanding into the mid-rim we compensated by naming the worlds after their system and just adding ‘Prime’ to the end of it”, he continued. “But there’s only so many times you can pass by Gaea Prime without a crushing sense of disappointment.”

Diplomats from neighbouring empires have pledged to aid the crisis, offering their own solutions such as prefixing planets with ‘Vi’, ‘Ad’ or ‘Nos’ to add contextual flavour.

“Alternatively they could just follow our fairly solid plan of completely ignoring copyright”, Governor Trelix of the Trantor-Krypton-Dagobah tri-planet area told Xenonion.

At the time of press, Commonwealth officials stated they are considering implementing a new system which would see planets simply named after their primary function. Residents of the trial worlds ‘Techybois 5’ and ‘Generator Districts Go Brrr’ have expressed their disapproval.

[bob48]

 

[bbmike]

 

[mcguire]

Personally, I would be the first to sign up to colonize The Third Planet to the Left of Nuevoneonaples.